Ways To Kill The PharoahBakura Style
by Anniebear91
Summary: Random story about Bakura killing Yami.
1. Tour De Bakura

Ways To Kill The Pharaoh – Yami Bakura Style.

(I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or its characters)

OK, lets get one thing straight before we start. I am the murderer, assassin, hit dude here, so don't even think you can top me. No really don't. You'll end up in the shadow realm! Right you asked for it, I told you not to think it, so I'll deal with that later. Fool. Right so, today my wonderful minions, we is doing ourselves some pharaoh hunting. Yep. That's right. Hunting and killing. Brutally. With knives, vinegar and fluffy bunnies. Cos I'm evil like that and I know he hates their fluffy tails and floppy ears. Serves him right for destroying my home.

Now then, we shall start off by making a trap. Basically, I take over my hikari's body, walk Yugi to the docks then tie him up and dangle him over the water. Our pharaoh should them posses his host and voila! Pharaoh has been caught! But that's not all that fun is it now? No? Well, there are no bunnies, knives or vinegar. Yet.

So next we shall laugh as he struggles to get free. It will take around 5 minuets. Right, as soon as he is, talk about him being a rubbish duellist cos it really winds him up-cos he thinks he's great. So yeah, now he's gonna wanna duel. Just do it, you're gonna loose, get over it. I've had to for 5000 years. So anyway, when he's won and he's gloating, throw a smoke bomb at him. He should be knocked out now. Ok, now I know this is gross, and nobody wants to do it, heck, nobody wants to see it, but strip him, and put him in a bunny farm. Now, video record him when he wakes up. Make sure you have Kaiba on speed dial.

Great, so now our Pharaoh should be twitching, screaming and begging for mercy. Just laugh. Evilly. That sounds something like 'Mwhahahahahahahahaha!' sound familiar? It should. Practise it. Nothing is worse than a screwed up evil laugh, take Marik's for instance, not nice is it? Don't do it. Ok, when you've finished videoing, send it to Kaiba. It should be all over Japan by tomorrow morning. Charge him for the video, and don't feel bad, he has enough money. Why not help him spend it? Hell, I might just borrow some and not tell him, its not like he wouldn't know. Is it?

So anyway, now you have knives and vinegar? Any ideas on what you do next? NO WE ARE NOT COOKING HIM A MEAL. Knives shouldn't be wasted on such pointless things. Knives are amazing, orgasmic weapons. If used correctly, my hikari has learnt the orgasmic way, but watching the pharaoh suffer by a knife, is enough to drive you crazy. Just give him a wonderful new tattoo…anywhere you like, using the knife! Then, for antiseptic reasons, pour the vinegar into your art work, make sure to add lots we don't want to him to die of anything but us.

Now, you should have a bloody, messed up almost dead pharaoh. Ta-Da! Now's the time to take lots of pictures, cos in 20 minuets he's gonna miraculously get free and save himself. We don't know how he does it, logic suggests its cos he's the hero, the 'good guy'. IF HE WAS SO EFFING GOOD HE WOULDN'T HAVE DESTROYED MY VILLAGE!

So yes, thank-you for joining the 'How To Kill The Pharaoh Tour' I hope you had fun, and are all going to try out these ideas. You can stop by at your local library and also learn how to mummify. I suggest you do it to him while he is still alive. Have a nice day, good-bye. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Cough HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Splutter HAHAHAHAHAHA choke HA…HA…HA! Collapses


	2. Christmas Killings

Ways To Murder The Pharaoh- Festively.

Ok, so for some reason, our last little plan didn't work. Soooo, as it is the season to be 'jolly' I am going to have my fun by trying to kill that blasted pharaoh. So, currently **my** hikari is in the kitchen cookie…god bless his pink frilly apron. Today-you will not be helping as you let him escape the bunny farm…and live. So I shall do it alone today.

Now, note how Ryou is carving the chicken, see that knife? I shall be using that. It's sharp, it's shiny and it can kill someone. So…sorry Ryou, but I am stealing your knife. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok-lets ignore that. –Caresses Knife- I love the knife!

You're scaring me.

Deal with it. I'm happy

Put the knife down and step out of the kitchen

You'll never catch me…muahahahahaha!

Ok-lets ignore the mind link. Yes. We shall. So anyhow…I'm just gonna slip around to Yugi's. Right so the stupid pharaoh is asleep, on Christmas? Ha ha. Idiot. Well…this drainpipe looks good…here we go!

"Stupid window. Open Ra dammit." Oooh, it worked.

"Wakey Wakey Pharaoh." He looks shocked. …He looks angry. Where's knife, stupid knife, darn you knife!!!

"MIND CRUSH" oh shit. Great looks like I'm spending Christmas in the shadow realm. WOO! Merry Christmas reaper of the cards. Oh shit again.

"YOU'RE MEANT TO BE DEAD. LEAVE A MURDERER SLASH THEIF TO DO HIS JOB WOULD YOU!"

How the hell I can run through the shadow realm when there's no floor is beyond me. But I will kill that pharaoh. Marik…why is Marik here?

"Fool. Why are you here?"

"Caught trying to kill the pharaoh, you?" I look at him and he looks almost embarrassed. Wait-that fool just called me a Fool! How dare he! "How dare you call me a fool, Fool!"

"Fool. Least I didn't get caught trying to murderer someone."

"Why are you here"

"I got caught placing bunnies in his bedroom"

"You have no brains do you? Get off my ass."

"Couldn't resist."

Great. Spending Christmas in the shadow realm with Marik. It could be worse. Could be Kaiba. Wonder how much surgery is for him to get that giant pole removed from his ass, maybe I could help… ha ha, I love scalpels.

"How we getting out this time, our hikaris don't even know we are here"

"Meh."

"Fine seen as I am the genius, I shall think of something! Never fear, Bakura is here!" I hold Marik's cheek to mine and stretch out my hand…he's looking at me funny! NOOOOO the eyes!

"Ok. You can stop that right now. Or father Christmas wont bring you anything."

"'Kura, that was last night. And I don't know who he is."

"So how do you know he came last night?"

"Dunno. Cos its Christmas today?"

"So why won't he come today?"

"Dunno. Shut up. You don't know any more than I do." Damn he got me there. So anyway, we start walking around the shadow realm, if it wasn't an endless vortex in all directions, I and Marik would know our way around pretty well by now. Sheesh. We've been enough times.

A/N I shall right some more later. Maybe.


	3. Another Lesson

Right, so now we are out of the shadow realm! Don't ask how because it's complicated, and to be quite honest, I really have no idea how we got out. It's a fact of life, no one knows how, and as long as I'm out, I don't care. So, when one comes out of the shadow realm/prison/mental asylum/ ancient object, what is the first thing you should do? 

Nobody? OK, the first thing you do, is get revenge on whatever twisted moron put you there. In my case, its the twisted moron Pharaoh. Now, no one saw that coming did they? Heh. Now, in our last lesson, we learned the Pharaoh does not like bunnies, or tattoos, nor does he like vinegar and attempts to kill him. So how, I hear you ask, do you kill/torture someone as picky and choosy as this? It is very simple. We scare the holy fuck out of them. And how, I hear you ask do we do this? Simple. You shut the hell up asking me questions and watch me, the professional, do an awsome job of freaking out the Pharaoh, whilst you sit quiet and play with your bunny slippers.

So, we are going to start by buying a new 3D video camera! (Courtesy of Kaiba, by the way, who regularly lends us money, whether he wants to or not). We then, go to the bunny farm, and film lots of bunnies. We then think of the most amazing title for our film, such as 'Ancient Leaders Of Egypt' and place the 3D film, in a box under its false name. We then send it to our good friend, the Pharaoh. Who, of course, with his giant inflated ego, will watch the film, wanting to see Hugh Grant acting as him, even though, sadly, there are no Pharaohs, sexy celebrities, or washed up boy bands on the film. So we send a teeny tiny explosive chip in with the packaging. This is a fabulous idea BECAUSE whilst Pharaoh dear is have a fit over the bunnies, and is crying in the corner, he will eventually crawl up to the video case to find the makers of the video, and as he does the chip explodes and POOM! No more Pharaoh Atemu. See, this is why I am the owner of millions of minions, such as yourself, and am above god. Because, I AM GOD BAKURA. I have my own cult. Bakuraism, you should join it some time. (Terms and conditions at then end of the chapter)

Anyway. So, all good plans need a backup plan, because as I said in chapter 1, he is the 'hero' he shall escape and live long and prosper, otherwise, the series of YU-Gi-Oh will fail to exist as you know it and you'll be stuck with those shitty GX brats. And I'm not one of them. So Pharaoh must live for your viewing pleasure of me. Because secretly, I am the main character and I run the show. Its just that nobody knows it yet. Anyway. You should have all practised you're evil laughs. So, after 3. I SAID 3 MORON.  
1 2 3 'MUAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAA!' Ryou, for fucks sake stop staring at me like I'm a piece of talking steak. I'm not.

Anyway. Now, we post the video and wait. Wait for the painful, merciless screams of Atemu...shrieking in all his 3D bunny pain. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

_Bakuraism-  
Terms and conditions. To join the faith of Bakuraism, you must first give up your own soul to Bakura, worship him 8 times a day, and 9 on Sunday. Never enjoy TV when he is not on, and dedicate your life, your siblings, pets and stuffed animals lives to Bakura. Daily sacrifices of Anzu lovers are made at 3pm, by all followers and foods such as broccoli, sprouts, cabbage and anything else healthy is banned. Steak is sacred and must be eaten bloody every day. Hair must be dyed white and albinos are worshiped. Anyone leaving the faith must thus shave their heads and will be later sent to the shadow realm, for leaving the faith in the first place. so don't leave. Bakura will eat you. To join, dial 666-Bakura, and be prepared for instructions on how to fill your life with meaning, menace and blood._


End file.
